One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
One should always practice what they peach.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?