My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
"Stop and smell the rosé."
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
I yam what I yam.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
"Be kind, re-wine."
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
I love you a tot!
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!