What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
"Alcohol you later."
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!