Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
"Sip, sip hooray."
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.