I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
"Sip happens."
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.