A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.