I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.