What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
"No wine left behind."
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.