"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.