I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
"I make pour decisions."
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.