The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.