When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
I love you from my head tomato
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.