What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
"Sip happens."
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
"Back that glass up."
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.