Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.