What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
You knead me in your loaf.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
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What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.