If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.