Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
You knead me in your loaf.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
"Sip, sip hooray."
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.