What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
This foundation is rock salad.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper