What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
"Read between the wines."
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.