What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
"Be kind, re-wine."
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
"Alcohol you later."
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!