How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.