Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.