What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
"Time to wine down."
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!