How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.