“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
I hope for world peas.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
We’re a perfect mash.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.