Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
I like you a latke!
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!