How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.