Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!