What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.