What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
"I need to re-wine my life."
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
I think therefore I yam.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
"Love the wine you're with."
You and I make a deluxe combo.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff