.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.