I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.