Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.