Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
"You had me at merlot."
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!