I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.