What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
"Back that glass up."
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!