Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!