What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"