As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
"Be kind, re-wine."
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.