What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
"Sip, sip hooray."
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).