What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
I think therefore I yam.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
I love you a tot!
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.