My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"