What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
"On cloud wine."
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.