I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
"Adulting makes me wine."
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!