What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.