What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.