The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What a spud muffin.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.