When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
"I mead more wine."
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.