I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.