Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.