The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
Time to celery-brate.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.