Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
I love you from my head tomato
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.