Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.