What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
"Rosé all day."
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."