Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...