What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
Time to celery-brate.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.