What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.