How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
"Rosé all day."
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.