What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!