Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.