I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.