I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
You and I make a deluxe combo.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
"Time to wine down."
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.