Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
"Read between the wines."
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.