What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
"Great minds drink alike."
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?