I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery