I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".