Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
I love you a tot!
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.