A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
"On cloud wine."
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
"You're the wine that I want."
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.