Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
You’re wine in a million.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
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What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.