What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
"Partners in wine."
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.