A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!