A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
"Great minds drink alike."
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.