My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.