What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
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