Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
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