Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
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