Speed

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
When god gave out bodies, he did it in alphabetical order.
GOD: And to you, horse, I give you a golden mane, great strength and speed, and a giant gait. You will be the noblest of beasts, and men will love you.

HORSEFLY (next in line): Oh man this is gonna be gooood.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
What Did You Call Me!?
What Did You Call Me!? A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?' The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.' So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.' The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?' The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.' The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says softly, 'Hard to fool them flies though...'
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an All You Can Eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Who Has the Fastest Dad?
Who Has the Fastest Dad? Three kids are talking about their fathers and comparing them. First kid says: "My dad is the fastest. He’s a drag racer and can do a quarter mile in 9.6 seconds." Second kid says: "That’s nothing! My dad is a fighter pilot and regularly breaks the speed of sound." Third kid says: "My dad is faster than both your dads! He’s a congressman. He finishes work at 4 o’clock but is always home by lunchtime."
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
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