Earth

What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
Wearing heels almost makes you the same size as other people on the face of earth.
Our relation is like earth and moon. We're bound to each other unconditionally.
Like the moon around the Earth, my thoughts revolve around you.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
Haggling With St. Peter
Haggling With St. Peter An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
A Volunteer to Mars
A Volunteer to Mars NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and they could never return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.” The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much?” asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied, “You convince them I'm the best candidate. I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
"You are so tall that Google Earth is attached on your forehead," a man told me. "I am employed by Google, are you?" I replied.
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