The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
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