I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
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