A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
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