What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington