Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
Wish upon a starfish.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
I love you so fairy much.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
Shes a fairy realistic person.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
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